[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
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My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]