Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.