Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register