[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
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To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
You know…for fall…
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
¯_(ツ)_/¯
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion