[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Am I having a stroke?
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.