Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

haha same

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

more water

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP