Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

your honor my client chooses dare

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.