*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
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Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Pringles
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?