[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
LOOOOOOL
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
lost dog
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Good boy 😂😂
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?