[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
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BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Great Canadian literature.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…