Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a website

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.