Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now