[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
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I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
👽
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
lol
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number