Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

So sorry

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.