Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

This is my bus stop.

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”