Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

Mmmm canned fish.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

Mapping America’s Far Right

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.