Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

set yourself free xox

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer