[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
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Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”