[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
You Might Also Like
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.