[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
How can I say no to this ?
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.