[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
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“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.