Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

constantly working on myself.

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this