Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

why no one uses midhusbands

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

I could NOT have put it better myself.

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.