@jctwritesstuff

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

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@GrandadJFreeman

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.

@delusions_of

Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

@HatfieldAnne

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

@jackmackenroth

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

@weinerdog4life

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

@PaperWash

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana