If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
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Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t my inability to think before I speak
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana