[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.


Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.


Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?


Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.


If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.


I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner


me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana