Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months