Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.