Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century