Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

The French word for sex is croissant.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.