[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
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I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.