[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
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I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot