Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?