Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting