*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
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Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
