Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

My life coach traded me.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said