*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
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News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Okey dokey.
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I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
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A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.