Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

Love is in the air fryer.

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online