*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
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Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
How animals would run if they were human
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Trumpy Cat
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.