[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
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When you let grandma cat sit
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.