Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

hear me out : pockets for your socks

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Seas the day!!!!

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.