Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours