@david8hughes

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

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@sixfootcandy

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

@bourgeoisalien

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

@UncleDuke1969

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

@davidkenny100

Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf???
The girl that coughed bees?
The boy that sneezed sharks?
The girl that shit spiders?

@Mardigroan

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

@AimeeHelene1

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

@sammyrhodes

I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.