[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
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I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”