Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
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can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf???
The girl that coughed bees?
The boy that sneezed sharks?
The girl that shit spiders?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.