While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Hey i am sexy to you now
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Lucky old June.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.