@KissabiX

[first day as spy]

*falls asleep in bushes*

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@SardonicTart

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

@Bratterina

*leaves a trail of banana peels so you slip and fall …..

In love with me, HAHA SUCKAH.

@InternetHippo

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

@ilovepie84

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

@o__0Dev

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

@NicestHippo

DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*

@JohnLyonTweets

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.