[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
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Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
New nose
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
