[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
You Might Also Like
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Check out the legs on this baby
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?