[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
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I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I find it very sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his failures, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I’m glutton sensitive. I overreact when people eat more than their fair share of pizza.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.