[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
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ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
just witnessed a drug deal
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it