[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
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A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Bread puns are on the rise!
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.