[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
You Might Also Like
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
President The Rock Obama
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.