Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

This is I, Robot all over again

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !