Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

brian had himself a morning…

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

Eating for two.

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.