[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
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American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.