A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
mariah carrie
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
same bro
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?