[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I love you…
…r dog.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Super Hand Dog Face
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave