[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
You Might Also Like
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
My plans: 2020:
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here