Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

How long do you have to wait between naps?

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?