[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
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If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
edward fingerhands