Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Well, that should do it

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

Happy Halloween 🎃

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Many hands make light work