Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Assassin.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that