Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

Genius.

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

Them: Is your cat friendly?

My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?

Me: No

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..