[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
This could be us but you eatin’
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
❤️🦆
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????