[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
always be there
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
These aliens are taking forever.
found my next D&D character name
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Any refunds available?…
