[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
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The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
never ask a starfish for directions
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.