Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

Isn’t

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

what the hell girl, sure

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

How blind am I? Thank you so much for asking. I spent entirely too long trying to beckon the cat over to me in the middle of the night only to realize upon waking that I was gesturing to a stack of towels I neglected to put away before I fell asleep

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.