Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

those birds must be on payroll

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.