[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:![]()
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I bet birds love this building.
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Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first