[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
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Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb