Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

A classic…

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

Not with that attitude

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’