[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)