Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza