[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
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4
5
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8
9
10
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90Me: Nailed it.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…