[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
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ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf