[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
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*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.