Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
no such thing as a dumb question
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages