[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Cat or sheep
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”