Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!