Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right