Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB